there are absolutely golden moments, like being in the pub surrounded by the people i used to do shows with and feeling overwhelmed with love, being with family with christmas music playing, being in the centre of my wonderful city and feeling so at home, but on the whole when i’m back at home i feel like i’m just waiting around. infinitely more time is spent watching tv and trawling the internet that when i’m at uni or off doing exciting things. 

america last summer was an incredible experience, and a major highlight of 2012. if i hadn’t done that, i’d be doing this - vegging around sans make up, in my high school PE trackies - occassionally working, occassionally reading, being overwhelmingly sedentary. SO, the past 6 days of being bored has lead me to the decision i’m either going to interrail next summer, or head East to Thailand/Malaysia. i can’t be away all summer, as i’ll be moving to France in september and i have family/friends/a relationship that i  can’t and don’t want to neglect for a year, but one month at home is enough for anyone.

 nothing like being back in suburbia for a bit of insight about what i want to with myself. 

- the perks of being a wallflower

i am in love. with one of the most wonderful people i’ve ever met. i couldn’t feel luckier to have spent the past seven months with (physically at times, emotionally at others) someone who makes me feel like i can be completely myself and whom i would trust with my life. i’ve never really been one for the lovey-dovey shit, but since this relationship my outlook has changed completely - ‘ice princess to a soppy bastard in a matter of weeks’. a few years ago the ‘l’ word could and did send me running, and if last christmas someone would have told me that a boy would mention marriage and i would have stuck around i would have laughed in their face. now i happily doze in his arms while he names our future children, he teaches me culinary tricks because ‘how else will i cook for the kids’, and tells me he’ll make me his bride. obviously none of these propositions are serious (if/when i have kids they will certainly not be called Ebeneezer), but being comfortable enough with someone to not run a mile at the concept of commitment is something entirely new. It makes me laugh when I speak to friends from home, especially my older friends, when they ask if he ‘treats me right’, because quite honestly, noone has ever been more caring, compassionate or sincere. he doesn’t treat me like a princess, because i couldn’t think of anything worse. he treats me like his lover, his confidante and his best friend, and that’s exactly what i am. sometimes we bicker - his putting funny over being nice from time to time, my clinginess and hate of leaving company for solitude, but ultimately we don’t argue, and i never feel safer than being in his arms.

 maybe being in love makes you vulnerable, from time to time i think i might not like having so much of myself invested in someone else, but then he tells me he loves me too, and any worry goes away. i have no idea whatsoever what will happen in the future; whether my year abroad will affect us greatly or it’ll act as an excuse for lots of little holidays, but in my here and now i’m in an extremely happy relationship with my first love and i’ll be waking up beside him for long as i can.